Awful...

Well I am sitting here with a pit of guilt in my stomach. I feel a little silly posting this right after I posted about "hitting my stride" but hey that is real life.

I freaked out at Brooke today, and I'm not talking about a little bit. I freaked out BIG time! She had been whining for about an hour straight and the last two days she has been taking Preston's toys over and over again. This combination are my least favorite things kids can do. Whining I absolutely dislike and when she always takes whatever Preston is playing with really gets to me.

So here is the situation - I had just blown up 72 red balloons by hand so we could have a Valentine's balloon party together. Brooke had just woke up from a nap which is when she is normally is at her best. But as soon as she got up it was non-stop whining. In an attempt to get her to stop I took her downstairs and surprised her with all the balloons. We were all playing together but every time Preston grabbed a balloon she would go take it. Um hello, don't you realize there are 72 of these things? I kept telling her to stop taking them but after the 10th time or so of her taking them just to be mean. And yes she was trying to be mean, I lost it...

I grabbed her and started yelling at her. Threw her on her bed and told her to "STOP TAKING PRESTON"S TOYS!!" I kept yelling at her that she needed to listened to what I said. If I said to stop taking Preston's toys she needed to do that. If I told her to stop screaming in the house then she needed to do it. (She always screams louder when I ask her to be quite.) She pretty much has started to disobey everything I ask her to do just because. I am a consistent parent. if she does something there is always a consequence. So why does she do things to disobey on purpose??

So I did, I totally and completely lost it. I yelled at my daughter for a good minute or so (loud and mean, not a nice yell), and now I feel awful.

I grew up in a house of yelling, so unfortunately that is the first thing that comes to me when I am angry or when I really just don't know how else to react. Normally I know this and I stop to cool off before I do something but today just really set me off.

Sometimes I feel like I am the worst parent in the world even though I know that 95% off the time I am being a pretty good one.

It really does amaze me how I have only screamed like that today and now I feel like it will be the only thing she remembers.

So there you go I feel terrible and really feel like I don't know how to parent anymore.

Consistency isn't working. The yelling today..worked. What does that mean??

I know I don't want to be a "yeller" so that rules that out.

Brooke is hard right now. She likes to do whatever I ask her not to do. I will just keep praying for help from heaven in raising her. But today I learned that yelling is a awful feeling that I don't want in my home or in my relationship with her.

I know this may seem like a basic concept but it was a profound one for me today. I hope this post will be a good reminder to me the next time I want to scream.